The Tortoise and the Hare
by Demon of the Sand
Summary: This is the REAL story of the Tortoise and the Hare. WARNING: contains bits of crack and yaoi. If allergic, don't read. SasuNaru


**SO. Demon of the Sand here. Haven't written a fanfic in years. Gotta do more of that. Good for the heart. Omg fragments. **

**I'm not sure what inspired this. You know them plot bunnies; sneaky, sneaky little buggers. **

**Just a warning: this contains some elements of yaoi. It started off as PWP, but THOSE PLOT BUNNIES. *shakes fist* **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto & co. They are property of Masashi Kishimoto. Hey! His birthday is in nine days. That should be some kind of holiday.**

**Shutting up now.**

This is the tale of the tortoise and the hare. It's an age-old tale, and you've heard it everywhere. Or so the song goes.

This is a slightly different version of your favorite childhood story. It is the same story in that it begins and ends with the patient little turtle and the hyperactive hare; however, the middle got skewed a bit. When a story like this is passed down through so many generations, facts tend to get twisted and small details are left out or forgotten.

You see, the "tortoise" and the "hare" that were racing that day were not actually small animals that just decided to get together and hold a contest for spectacular forest prizes. The "race" was not just a simple 400-meter dash; it was also a battle.

The story that you are about to read is 100% true. It is the original story of the Tortoise Clan versus the Hare Clan. 

_BOOM!_

An explosion sounded off to his left. He threw up his arms to cover his face as the smoke billowed from ground zero right in his direction. He cursed his innate ability to be downwind of everything important during these dangerous events. He felt his eyes watering as some smoke snuck by his arms. Making use of his Hare Clan heritage, he sprung straight up from the ground into the trees above to try to get a better view of the path. He ducked as a stray shuriken whistled by his head.

He didn't understand why the Clans felt the need to continue this tradition every single year. It's not like the people who came up with the idea were alive to disapprove if they stopped.

He made some hand signs and camouflaged himself with the bark of the tree. How was he supposed to find the path with all these distractions?

'Think, Naruto…' He screwed his eyes shut in concentration. The best plan of action would be to follow that bastard Neji from the Owl Clan. His eyes were as sharp as scalpels. Naruto swore he could even see through things—which made him slightly uncomfortable since said rat bastard liked to leer at him whenever they were forced into contact. Finding Mr. Pervert would be easier said than done, however, because the whole of the Owl Clan were nearly impossible to track and even harder to detect. Stupid Owl genes.

Though he did have the best tracker in all of the villages on his side. Kiba of the Wolf Clan had the best nose, and the best trained tracker dog to boot. It helped that, being of Wolf heritage, he was loyal as they come. And boy, was he ever loyal to Naruto. The blonde figured he could call in a favor or two right now if he really wanted to follow Neji's trail to the finish line.

But no, he was too proud for that. He'd find his way on his own.

As Naruto was shifting through his various stages of brainstorming, he didn't notice the man slowly sneaking up on him, and there was no way for him to even begin to fathom just how humiliated he would be in the span of five seconds.

His train of thought, puffing along happily on the tracks of the race, was thoroughly derailed as his head was shoved through the very tree he was leaning on. His shriek of alarm was muffled by the thick bark. At least the damn thing was hollow.

He could just _feel _the smugness and amusement rolling off of his attacker. He saw red and yelled every profanity he could imagine into the tree's unsympathetic trunk. The last one came out as a squeak as the man behind him slapped his ass, his own special way of saying, "shut up."

Without warning, he was wrenched back into the garish light of day and he coughed up a beetle that he had inhaled while screaming. He glared balefully at the beautiful man holding him by the collar of his shirt.

"What a pleasant surprise, Naruto-kun," said the smirking heir to the Tortoise Clan.

"Go rot in hell. Asshat," Naruto muttered the last part, aware that he was being held up by said asshat. He kicked the Uchiha in the shin and scrambled away when he was let down. "'Why'd you have to do that? Shouldn't you be using your useless talents to try to win the race?" he pouted.

"I already know I'm going to win," Sasuke declared, a single superior eyebrow rising in question. "What's your excuse for hiding in a tree?"

"I might tell you if you hadn't _shoved my face into one._"

The Tortoise Clan was known first and foremost for their patience; second, for their unique ability to squeeze their bodies into solid objects. They can't completely walk through the objects, though; that would defy certain unbreakable laws of physics. Their ability extends to whatever they are touching or holding. In this case, Naruto's head.

Sasuke's smirk grew. "You're just so cute when you're helpless." Naruto facepalmed.

"Can't you keep your libido at home?"

Then Sasuke was pressed flush against him, hands on either side of his head, pinning him to the tree. The taller man nuzzled his neck, pulling a shiver from the smaller blonde. "No," he whispered huskily into Naruto's ear.

A scream interrupted them, and moments later a disgruntled Lee came bursting out of the undergrowth. He whipped his head up, eyes landing on them, and a shit-eating grin spread across his face.

"Do not fear, youthful friends! I have proposed to dear Sakura and she screamed in happiness! Then she fainted in relief. Best of luck in your own undying love! I shall see you at the end of the race!" Then the green-clad member of the Platypus Clan disappeared back into the forest. Sasuke and Naruto were left leaning on the tree, wondering about Sakura's mental state. They looked at each other and shrugged, figuring they didn't need to check on her. Lee wouldn't leave her lying around in the forest. At least her unconsciousness meant the Chipmunk Clan was out of the race.

Another explosion sounded from nearby and they each took it as their cue to get moving. Sasuke dropped a quick kiss on the corner of his little blonde's mouth before leaping away through the trees. Naruto stuck his tongue out in the other man's general direction before springing across several branches at once to catch up. As they leapt from branch to branch, they weren't surprised to see members of some other clans had dropped out. They saw Gaara of the Raccoon Clan nursing a leg wound while Shikamaru of the Deer Clan slept among the roots of an ash tree. Various others were scattered about, but they were too far away to recognize.

"Are we the only ones left?" Naruto asked, surprised by the ferocity of this year's competitors.

"I'm sure there are others who are up ahead of us," Sasuke replied. He stopped suddenly, coming to rest with his hand on the trunk of the tree. Naruto crouched on a limb a few trees away, turning to ask about their sudden halting. Sasuke shushed him with one hand, glancing around uneasily. Just as he opened his mouth to speak, Neji came out of nowhere and crashed into him, taking them both to the forest floor below. Naruto sprang into action, jumping down and pulling a kunai from his pouch.

He hesitated. Sasuke and Neji were wrestling on the moss, making it extremely hard to get a clear shot at Neji. Sasuke drew his fist back and pounded Neji right in the nose with a right hook. Neji cursed and released Sasuke to cover his bloody face. Sasuke turned to Naruto. "Move it, moron! This is your head start. Wouldn't want you to lose to me TOO badly," he smirked.

Naruto stuck his tongue out again, knowing Sasuke could take care of himself. "Just don't get too beat up. You're not coming into my bed all bloody." Sasuke just waved him off.

As he left to follow the path, he noticed a half-conscious Lee pinned to a tree by some shuriken. The still-happy man was too busy singing songs of love to notice Naruto's passing. The blonde just shook his head and carried on.

After traveling for what seemed like hours, he came to a break in the trees that signified the last stretch of the race. He leaped into one of the outer trees and peered through the leaves at the crowd below. Hadn't anyone finished yet?

Apparently Neji had taken care of the major threats and then gone to find him and Sasuke to make sure they couldn't finish the race. Sadistic bastard.

He looked down at all the people gathered around the finish line. Some of them had taken to lying down and sleeping to wait for the end of the race. That looked like a really good idea. He checked behind him for any sign of Sasuke. After all, he couldn't let the raven win this close to the end. He'd just wait for the man to appear and beat him in one jump from his tree to the line across the clearing. With this plan in mind, he waited.

And waited. And waited. Naruto was nodding off on his branch as the sun began to set, casting shadows on the green world of the forest. Maybe he'd just close his eyes for a second. After all, the finish line was right there. Comforted by this fact, Naruto snuggled into his tree and closed his eyes.

_Snap._

Naruto's eyes flew open, instantly alert. The sun had set and he could see the torches of the villagers in the clearing. They glowed eerily in the blackness of the night. What had made that noise? He glanced down and, to his horror, he saw Sasuke trudging out of the forest, clothing tattered, smirk dancing in the torch light. He heard the villagers cheering as someone _finally_ showed up to finish the race. It helped that the person was their beloved Uchiha Sasuke, Tortoise heir.

Naruto scrambled up, or tried to, at least. His shirt was caught on a notch in the tree bark! He tugged desperately, uselessly watching his friend get closer and closer to the finish line. Naruto tumbled sideways as his snagged shirt came loose. Finally!

In one impressive leap, Naruto was at the finish line, but it was too late. Sasuke had crossed the line just before he did. Both men were instantly surrounded by cheering villagers, but it was Sasuke who had won. Naruto hung his head in defeat.

Sasuke lifted his chin up with two fingers, smiling down at him. He leaned in for a kiss, whispering against his lips, "Don't worry, love; there's always next year."


End file.
